He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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