i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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