My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
