you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
