I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
