Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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