Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize