bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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