he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize