I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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