I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
