When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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