Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
