The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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