She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
