I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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