She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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