I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
