Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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