i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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