Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
