If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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