Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
