quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
