I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
