I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
