just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You need Xanax blowdarts
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
