can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
