My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
