Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
