She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
