I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
