He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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