woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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