I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
