paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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