so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
