Non-Jews are for practice
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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