Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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