im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
