Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
