i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
