I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
