Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
