dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she told me i tasted like america
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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