I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
