The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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