Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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