you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
