chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
