she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
