Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
