I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
