There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
