I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
