You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
