and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize