The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
