i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I want is dick and wine.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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