I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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