You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
