she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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