After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize