my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
