We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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