I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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