I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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