i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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