Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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