I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize