I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
